Ode to Coach


Kiril Hadjipetkov, Staff Writer

Not many teachers stand upon the pedestal in which Shane Carey resides within my heart. Going by the names of “Coach,” “Mr. Carey,” “Shane,” “Coach Cream,” “Monsieur Coach,” “Care-Force One,”  “Kanye West,” and “Thirty-Ninth President of the United States of America, Jimmy Carter,” Shane Carey has provided an ample learning environment in which individuals such as myself, Senior TJ Gembala, and Senior Tyler Brady have fostered our budding calculus talents that one day we can hopefully impress Morgan Freeman with. Where we would be on this journey to intellect without the man himself [Monsieur Coach] is a dark thought, one I simply cannot think about. In order to express my compassion for the apprentice-turned-master, I decided to ask TJ and Ty a few questions on their everyday-growing relationship with Coach.


To start off, Coach is without a doubt both boys’ top teacher. “He’s my favorite because he’s younger than most teachers, so he can relate to pop culture, and he also has a greater understanding of what it’s like to be a student so he is more considerate of our needs,” TJ remarked. At the mere age of 23, Coach has already learned to solve Rubix cubes with laser-sharp precision, knows everything there is to know about football, and has won 3 nobel peace prizes. What a guy! When speaking on why he loves Coach, Ty stated that, “He’s my football teacher, and a math coach too, he does it all. He’s got a real hickorin’ for ham, and I admire that in a fella. I could go on for days, but I won’t.” Reflecting on these words, TJ added on that “He’s like Bruce Wayne. Math teacher by the day, Coach by the night.”

“He’s like Bruce Wayne. Math teacher by the day, Coach by the night.””

— TJ Gembala


When the boys’ first met Coach, they had different expectations, but true love sees and hears no evil, and reason prevailed. “I thought he would be a very easy teacher due to his age, but instead it proved to be a unifying factor between us. I found a friend, someone who genuinely wanted me to learn.” Consequently, I felt the same feelings when I first met Coach, and saw his challenging yet rewarding class to be a tasty seventh period treat. When Tyler was first delivered unto this world of Shane, “I didn’t know what to think at first. He was a football coach, it perplexed me, I did not understand. Then, suddenly my view on the world shattered. I found out he was my math teacher; it all made sense. The proverbial pieces of the puzzle all fell into place. One of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had, Coach Cream forever. Thank god it’s friday.”

“One of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had, Coach Cream forever. Thank god it’s friday.””

— Tyler Brady


Now, roughly nine months later, similarly the incubation period required to produce one baby unit, Tyler, TJ, and I have formed an unbreakable bond with Coach, a relationship founded on the three building blocks of human life- Roast Beef, Honey Smoked Ham, and Cheese Whiz. A day in the life of Coach’s class is like the sandbox in a playground. The world is your Oyster, just don’t get anything in your eyes. TJ and Ty thought back on many of the fond memories from Calculus, such as dressing up as Coach, trying on the hats and mittens on his desk, and doing classwork with matching Lego Star Wars Connect and Build™ pens.


Now, with online-learning, we simply cannot get the same intensity of a Coach fix as we did before. “We need you IRL Coach, it just doesn’t hit the same.” TJ, Ty, and I have found ourselves wandering the streets, desperately trying to emulate the emotions we felt prior to Digital Coach. “It’s not as good of an experience, it’s harder to joke around with him over the computer. However, it allows the lessons to run smoothly as there are minimal disruptions.” 

As we sit here gazing out upon a virtual hellscape devoid of all of all things affiliated with CoachMedia™, the day of reckoning has come. We are but mere pawns sprawled out on the chessboard in which is the beautiful and prosperous mind of Shane Carey. We are nothing without him, he is everything and nothing at once. Can’t you see? Or are you blind? It is time for us to all accept him as our divine leader, a beacon of light in these trying times. With that being said, here are some final thoughts from TJ and Tyler. From TJ- “Coach, a while ago you promised that you would come to my grad party, and I trust that in the absence of prom, graduation, and all other school activities, you will uphold your end of the bargain.” From Ty, “I genuinely appreciate that you treat me as more than a student but as a fellow human being. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me this year while making class a good time.” Readers, I encourage you all to take some time out of your day to find the Shane within you. Hey, you might learn something you never knew before!

Read more about Shane Carey here.

Read more of TJ’s opinions here.