People find happiness and meaning in their lives in many different ways. Some play music, make art, or play sports. However, absolutely nothing compares to the surge of dopamine tied to diving into a fresh pile of Cluck-U chicken mini tenders after a day full of hardship and struggle. Something about the tangy, glazed orange sauce (specifically traditional buffalo) that overlaps the crispy outer shell of these little cherubs is absolutely transcendental. The pure adrenaline from dipping one of these fiery snacks into a cooling pond of ranch is almost ethereal, managing to assure my deepest subconscious thoughts that everything will be okay as long as I am strapped up with nuggets.

I am a huge fan of chicken. It is the perfect protein, consisting of lean meat. With the amount of things you can do with it, it simply never gets old. With Cluck-U in specific, I am an avid fan; I love going there with friends and sometimes even alone with the intent to ravage some tendies. Due to this, I realized I had to spread the establishment’s delectability toward the students of Mendham through an official MHS Patriot review.

In order to prepare for this quest of all ages, I had to recruit two companions in order to take on this task with a higher intelligence; utilizing three bright, budding minds instead of one.

Meet Alex Gentile, a senior at Mendham who has been eating chicken his whole life. “I grew up a chicken man, raised out on the chicken lobster.” Chicken plays a huge role in Gentile’s life as he eats it a lot, even more than anything else. Gentile enjoys fried chicken, but mainly in a sandwich form. He lives for sauces on the spicier end; “something that adds a little bit of seasoning and flavoring to it without making it too overbearing.” While these statements are all factual, I truly believe that Gentile preached when reflecting on the role dressings such as ranch played on his chicken-eating life. When asked this, Alex exclaimed, “You wouldn’t leave the house undressed so why leave your chicken undressed?” Gentile loves the chicken at Cluck-U and will be reviewing a medium to large order of mini bites, garlic cheese, two bleu cheeses on the side, and a pink lemonade. Gentile made sure to add that he wishes to “specify that the chicken be made and killed while it’s very afraid so that way the meat will be very afraid of me and taste even better.” I realized it was integral to have Alex in this review due to the intensity and potential calamity that is tied to a Thursday lunch with the Gentiler.

Along with Gentile, I was also accompanied by Mendham senior Collin Euvino, a longtime chicken connoisseur. Collin has been eating chicken since he was roughly four years old. “We have a big chicken coop in our backyard and when they get sick we need to take them out and there’s still some parts of the chicken you can eat so it’s been a long time.” Collin thoroughly enjoys chicken, whether it be white or dark meat. While he loves every kind of chicken-based dish, Collin has a particular love for buffalo sauce. “Everyone knows it, most people have told me I smelled like buffalo sauce. Fried chickens great, and the flats are better than the drums.” Euvino also made sure to mention that dressings are absolutely “essential” and “integral.” His favorite dressing is ranch, but he dabbles in bleu cheese as well. Just like Gentile, Collin loves Cluck-U. While he went more in his Freshman and Sophomore years of high school, Cluck will always have a place in Euvino’s heart. Collin will be reviewing the mini bites with the garlic cheese sauce, some ranch, and a pink lemonade. It was important to have Collin in this review due to his unconditional love for chicken and ranch.

Personally, I have been eating chicken my whole life but gained respect for Cluck-U when I was in middle school. Something about the smell of buffalo sauce on chicken just triggers my taste buds more than anything else. It is safe to say that Cluck-U chicken mini bites are one of my favorite foods, especially with the application of ranch. My personal order will be medium mini bites with the traditional buffalo sauce, two servings of ranch, and root beer.

With that being said, Collin Alex and I ventured towards the lands of the 7-11 parking lot with one thing in mind- chicken. We parked, walked into the familiar spot known as Cluck, and were immediately greeted with the welcoming scent of buffalo sauce and chicken. We ordered our food, sat down, and were greeted with heaping, steaming piles of chicken before one could even deliver the punchline to a ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ joke. Once we were all situated, it was time to ravage the plates before us. Cups of dressing were opened, tenders were stabbed with plastic forks, and sugary drinks were sipped. Madness ensued, and roughly five minutes later, our frenzy came to an end. We were left with empty plates, full bellies, and the unanimous thought of ‘what just happened?’ Once we came to our senses, it was time to review. 

Alex had the first words. He said “That was just… mmmmm. Mmmmm.” Going off a 5 point scale, Gentile gave the chicken quality alone a 4.5, but stated that the seasoning brought it up to a 5. The bleu cheese he ordered was “excellent” but he had to mention that he took points off on the chicken due to the fact that there is always room to improve chicken, no matter how good it may be. He rated his pink lemonade a 5 due to the fact that there was too much ice which led him to run out of his drink too early. Overall, Gentile gave his meal a 5 despite his previous negative statements revolving around the chicken alone and his lemonade.

Collin found his meal quite enjoyable. He rated the chicken alone a 4.25 due to the fact that while he and Gentile got the same order, Gentile got more nuggets with him. Furthermore, he felt his tenders seemed to be a little dry when they could have had more sauce on them. His dressing and drink were both 5’s. Overall, Collin gave his meal a 4.5 because of annoyances such as dry wings but enjoyed it despite those hindrances.

Upon eating my own meal, I gave the chicken alone a 4.5. While they were tender and tasted good, some pieces had a subtle chewiness that did not feel right. I gave my ranch a 5 as it was the perfect companion to my mini tenders. However, I had to give my root beer a 4 as I would have preferred a Coke but it is not available at Cluck, only Pepsi, and sadness. Overall, I ranked my Cluck experience a 4.75 as there were only mild things that I would have changed.

The three of us also shared an order of cheese fries which were definitely tasty in my opinion, but Collin and Alex had some minor complaints. “They just load up the cheese on top, there are no layers of cheese. When you get through the top you just get a plate of fries when you paid for the cheese” Collin stated. This was not an issue for me because I love both cheese fries and regular fries, but this frustration can be understandable to those who crave each fry to have an intense cheesy consistency. Gentile seemed to have no complaints besides the fact that “These fries are slippery as h*ll” as he said.

Overall, all of our experiences at Cluck seemed to blend into one mostly positive time. There were some small mishaps, but everybody enjoyed their food and will definitely be there again at some point, perhaps even the Randolph location which features the same food joint in a different town. However, you don’t need to take my word on this, or Collin’s, or Alex’s. The only thing I wish from you is that you take this experience and manifest it into your own life. Go to a Cluck, dig into a meal, and see for yourself what you think of it. For all you know, it could be your new favorite place to eat.